Monday, February 25, 2008

A sweet sad moment at the laundromat.

This evening, I got off work early. I decided that I would spend the rest of my night doing laundry, like a good little bitch.

So, there I was at the laundromat, trying to concentrate on my book over the deafening clamour of rattling washers and driers, Telemundo, and the shrill voice of a 5 year old girl (also in Spanish.) The girl was clad in pink (naturally) and running circles around the place, yelling for her "mami." I looked up at her as she reached her little brown hand out to me, as if to give me something. She opened her hand, and in her palm she held a small silver heart. I smiled and held out my hand to accept her gift. She promptly closed her hand and skipped off, smiling wide. I couldn't help but laugh at the irony of the situation, and my life for that matter, and she did too. They learn young these days, I suppose.

Richard Simmons is straight.

All these copy-cats... stop stealing my dry-hump maneuvers.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Bassment news n junk n stuff.

Much like a total lunar eclipse, The Booty Bassment only happens... twice a month, but that's not the point. The point is, that you have $5 in your pocket, probably more, and I need that. So, give it to me. Tomorrow night. Thanks.

Also, you may be pleased to discover that The Basstanic Group has just gotten final confirmation for our LA spot on March 29. Every time there is a fifth Saturday, we play The Mountain Bar in Chinatown, Los Angeles. Not bad.

Thursday, February 21, 2008


I do a radio show on a pirate station in San Francisco called WAR GOAT RADIO every second and fourth Wednesday at 4 pm. It is all black metal for two hours. Here is the playlist from the last show and a link for a free download:

1. Celtic Frost - Human (Intro)
2. Celtic Frost - Into the Crypts of Rays
3. Sauron - Know My Word Is His
4. Kay Pacha - Kay Pacha
5. Blood Red Fog - Frozen
6. Dead Raven Choir - From the Stars
7. Nocratai - NV-S
8. Celestia - Frigidiis Apotheosia (Dormant Rests of Raped Necrosia)
9. Behexen - Black Metal Baptism
10.Tyrant - The Rebirth
11.Heresi - Proairesis
12.Ancestors - Untitled
13.Graveland - The Dark Dusk Abyss
14.Pest Noire - Spleen
15.Gospel of Horns - Vengeance Is Mine
16.Nocternity - Secreta Arya (The Key)
17.Paysage D'Hiver - Die Zeit Des Torremond
18.Berdysz - Pami√™√¶ w Ba³tyku Wodach Zatopiona
19.Xasthur - Middle Ages Return
20.Mayhem - (Weird) Manheim


And there are tons of other non metal radio shows on the West Add Radio website for you to stream or podcast here: West Add Radio.

From The Archives #3

Here is one from October 1, 2005 entitled The Gay Ghost Dream.

My sleep this night was one of unrest as the result of a terrible dream I had. In my dream I was trying to stay awake for fear of my life, like the kids in Nightmare On Elm Street. Every time I drifted off, a menacing force would come over me and try to kill me in my sleep. It was like a ghost of some sort.

I would stay awake for a short time and then I would get tired and close my eyes. I could feel it putting a shower curtain over my head to suffocate me and there was a very sadistic, sexual overtone to the whole act; as if the spirit wished to fuck me and then kill me. I could sense it smiling with satisfaction through my plastic veil. Casper The Homosexual Unfriendly Ghost was having his way with me and I didn't appreciate it too much.

I kept waking up, but invariably I would fall asleep again and again, each time narrowly escaping death and defilement at the hands of this cocksucking, murderous spectre who couldn't help feeling good about his sick task. I finally awoke from this nightmare shaken and bathed in sweat.

Now, Brian would like to give me a hard time about the psychological implications of this dream, but to him I say, "Fuck to you." I think it's perfectly normal to have a dream about the swashbuckling spirit of a dead butt-pirate who's trying to snuff me in my sleep. Back me up on this please.


Here is a free song for you that is really special to me: (You) Got What I Need by Freddie Scott. You may recognize it as the inspiration to Biz Markie's Just A Friend or the sample source for Save Me Dear by Ghostface. This song is so sweet and heartfelt it just makes a guy wanna hug a stranger. Or make some sweet love to a sweet lover. Or a stranger. Recorded in 1968, ya'll. God damn... this beats the crap out of the Summer of Love.

(You) Got What I Need

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Why is Satan such a funny guy?

This has got to be one of the most ridiculous intros ever uttered from a stage. The culprit: Akhenaten of the band Judas Iscariot. I recommend that you read the transcribed version below while you listen to the video.

"This next song... goes to the descrution (?- ed.)... of the capitalist scum... who try... to destroy... BLACK METAAALLL! Black Metal... is about... hatred... and intolerance; no... fucking... compromises! This is our art! This is the soundtrack... to the fucking... Apocalypse! (no applause- ed.) Capitalist scum labels... packages art... for fourteen year old GIRLS! These people should fucking DIIIIIIEuh! We, as the underground, shall forever... stand against themeh! This song is for you: The Black... Clouds... Roll... Under the Parapet... of the Skyuh!"

Do you know what else black metal is about? Satan. Yeah. But I bet you didn't know that Satan is really into cute shit, and not black metal. Observe:

Recharging the malice.

This weekend "powned." If you don't know "wtf" that means, well "zomg," take your sorry arse over to Urban Dictionary and get learned. The Bassment also "r00led." I can't wait to see the footage that Megan, Ashley, and Felipe got that night. The video short should be done in about a month. By the way, I had a great time driving up and hanging out with those three sweet knuckleheads.

The real story though, is about Sunday night. The Worst Music Ever was nothing short of epic. 50 Sant came up from San Diego to help Ryan and me bring the pain on you hoes, and did he ever. Some seriously legendary mixes occurred that night, the most notable was committed by Ryan. 50 played Waka Laka (peep the video below, if you dare), much to everyone's chagrin. Ryan steps up the turntable speed to 45... then he starts fast forwarding the record faster and faster and faster until the song was a sickening blur of Eurotechno madness... Dan and I are completely doubled over in laughing fits... at which time Ryan drops Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls. Jesus Christ on a goddamned crutch. The crowd was in a frenzy, I was on the floor, Dan's face was nowhere to be found, and Ryan peed a little in his pants.

I love this night more than any other night I dj at. It is all about PAIN. We were heckling the shit out of the crowd the entire night (Dan dropped Margaritaville and I just yelled "FUCK YOU" on the mic as I mixed in Supermodel by Rupaul), hyping the pit ("Cut the shit; start the pit!" during a Smashmouth song), we played the theme music to 2 Girls 1 Cup and actually got two random girls to reenact it on stage, and ended the night with a group sing-along to Bryan Adams' (Everything I Do) I Do It For You.

I have always been a bit of a sadist, but this event really brings out the worst in me. In a good way. I think. Either way, I feel as though my life now has meaning. Yes, my children, my mission in life is to destroy dancefloors by dropping With Arms Wide Open by Creed, to puncture people's eardrums with excessive airhorn blasts and shotgun sound effects, and to ruin the night of every human being that steps foot into the bar. Thank you.

Oh, and BBSD is this Saturday (2/23) and The Worst Music Ever San Diego is not this Thursday, but the following (2/28). Be there or die by the sword.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

My brain.

These two videos basically sum up my state of mind.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


You may remember from a previous post, 15 Rappers Who Should Have Died Instead Of Pimp C, that I named lil' baby Soulja Boy one of the expendable. Well, ladies and germs, today I eat my words, because of this song that I am posting for you all to download- Yahhh! featuring Arab (best name). This shit is so cracking and weird at the same time, which I am a total sucker for. I have to say that I really had NO expectations when I listened to a clip of it from the Turntable Lab email list, but it totally hooked me on the first listen... super primitive Lil' Jon type synth beat, good shit-talking rap, catchy vocab, and the fucking hook! RIDICULOUS. Good work, dog. I'm the king of yer fanclub.


Monday, February 11, 2008

From The Archives #2

Here is a lil' ol' blog I wrote on muhspace on September 1, 2005. It describes a lil' ol' dream I had one lil' ol' night...

I dreamt that I was at some sort of outdoor concert. Many bands were slated to perform, but I only remember two: Coldplay (please do not ask me why), and the one and only Ol' Dirty Bastard, even though he dead and stuff.

I was seated on the side of the stage at a table by myself when ODB made his entrance. He didn't quite look like himself, but I knew it was him nonetheless. He played an amazing dj set(?), and for his finale, he put on an instrumental version of the Christina Aguilera hit, Beautiful (you know... that one you hear in Walmart or whatever) and began to sing the words in Spanish with a voice that was nothing less than angelic. I'm not sure whether he was singing the right lyrics to the song or not because I couldn't understand them, but I began to weep profusely at that point. I laid my head down on the table and cried like a baby, rather shamefully, until he was finished and exited the stage.

Ikah approached me and offered me a plate of banana bread, which I accepted. I tried to explain to him what had just happened, but couldn't. I woke up.

Here are a couple of my favorite video clips from our dear Dirty McGirty.

Fucking FADED.

Dirt Dog is so goddamned high in this one. Poor lil' bugger.

This one and the next three are a four part documentary on the Big Baby Jesus.

Brooklyn Zoo is the video that really made me fall in love.
He was so good. Thanks for singing to me, Dirty.

Special, special, special.

This weekend, I head up to San Francisco, also known as The Gay Bay, for two events and one hecka good time. Saturday night is The Booty Bassment, and we will have our own Ikah Love in the place. Also, Milkfat Films will be there filming the entire debaucherous event. Try to tidy up a bit before you come. The whole world will be looking at your busted outfit.

Sunday night, we are back at The Knockout for another edition of The Worst Music Ever. The last one we did in SF was way better than any of us even expected, and I have high hopes for this one. Good old 50 Sant will be guest starring, and believe you me, he can bring the pain.

I will have free WME mixtapes to give to the lucky few, so get there early. And no excuses that "It's a skool night," or whatever the shit, because Monday is President's Day and you have it off. Don't gimme none of that mess, baby bish.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

From The Archives #1

In the next few weeks I will be posting old blogs I wrote on the myspaces, for your viewing pleasure. This one is for Melissa Miserable and it was written in April of 2004...

So, my job is pretty mellow. I work for this "car service" in La Jolla. Basically, I drive rich assholes around in a Mercedes Benz so they can get sauced up or whatever. Yesterday, I'm hanging at the Pannikin, reading a book. It's a beautiful, sunny Easter day. I get a call from the dispatcher telling me to go to the La Valencia Hotel to pick this guy Fishbau up and take him to his home on Torrey Pines. Alright, no problem.

I've driven this man before. I think he has M.S. or something. He has immense trouble walking and he speaks irregularly. Whatever, no biggie. So, I pull up to the front of the hotel and i get out of the car. I see Mr. Fishbau scooting his way over to the car, so I open the door for him. Like I said, it's Easter Sunday in La Jolla, so lots of people are out walking the streets. Mr. Fishbau has like, mud all over him. Big dirt spots all over his pants and mud chunks on his boots. I thought, "Huh. That's weird that he would go to Easter brunch at the La Valencia Hotel in such dirty clothes. I hope he doesn't get any of that mud on the seats."

So I let him in the back seat and tossed his walker in the trunk. I hop in the car and off we go. All of a sudden it hits me. The stench emanating from his pants hits me like a big brown tidal wave. The "mud" he had been playing in was actually crap! Fucking shit all over the place! Oh my god! I am thoroughly disgusted. We are not suppossed to roll the windows down, but I rolled that shit down as quickly as possible. I turn on the a.c. full blast (with the charcoal filter) and stick my head out the window like Ace Ventura. I don't think you can know what it smelled like in that car. Pure, unadulterated doodoo. The kind of stench you can taste. I was driving like a bat out of hell, swerving like a drunken maniac. I did not give a fuck about anything except for getting Count Chocula the fuck out my car. Of course we get stopped at every light. I am praying at this point..."God, please get me out of this one. i'll do anything..." The doody smell is making my eyes water. I can feel my teeth turning brown. Just when I think I am going to die of fecal inhalation, we make it to his house. He asks me how much, "Ten," I said as tersely as possible, getting out of the car. He hands me a twenty, "Give me five back." Yeah right. "I don't have a five. I'll have to give you ten." The guilt factor for making me smell his shit. "Just keep it." Yeah, that's fucking right just keep it.

God damnit! That is not my job! I know, I mean, I feel bad for him and everything but that sucked! I'm not mad at him, it isn't his fault, but there should be some kind of car service for people like that. The doodoo patrol or something. All I know is that I am scarred from that experience. I think I can still smell it.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Good Bitch

I have decided I don't want to post downloads as "Song of the Day" anymore so I can just post them whenever I want. You know. Anyway, here is a juke jam produced by Raziek from France. This shit c'est dope.

Good Bitch

Here's a tip from Dead Reptile Shrine:

Click it.

Song of the Day #12

Marvin Gaye gives us the song for today, After the Dance (Instrumental) off of the I Want You album. This is my junk right here. I would really like to know how many babies have been made to this song. When that synth bass kicks in, the drawls come down. For real... the boy knew how to write a sex number.

After the Dance (Instrumental)

While you're at it, go ahead and peep this video of Marvin singing The National Anthem. I don't think there are many singers that could bring tears to my eyes with this song, but he managed to.