Sunday, February 15, 2009

New Dick Product For Your Dick

"De firs resuls were bery uh.... dramateecal..."

Friday, February 13, 2009

Booty Bassment SF Second Anniversary

Next weekend Ryan and I are hosting the Second Anniversary of Booty Bassment in San Francisco. The flier says it all... but like I said before, I am going to try to get some t-shirts printed before then too.

That's all. Well, I guess I'll post a video for a song that I cannot get out of my head lately. Remember Nick Lowe? So good. Cruel To Be Kind is infectious. Rad video too!

And happy Friday the 13th!!!

Some Tips For Those Who Have No Game

I did an interview yesterday with Valentine's Day right around the corner, about SLOW JAMZ. They wanted to know what made the ladies horny or something. So here is my story I sent to them:

Here's a little list of some Ultimate Slow Jamz (with only one Z, because you know we ain't sleepin') for that ass.

In no particular order-

1. Boyz II Men - I'll Make Love To You
This one really speaks to my soul. And my crotch. When those synth horns come in at the beginning, drawers drop. I like the unselfish message of the lyrics too, "I'll make love to you, when you want me to, and I will not let go till you tell me to." A nice bunch of lads they are.

2. Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over
This song just makes me feel real sensual or sensious or something. I like that organ lead in the middle of the song too. It reminds me of A Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harum, which is a good thing.

3. Deep Blue Something - Breakfast At Tiffany's
Totally not a slow jam, but it makes me laugh so bad to imagine myself making passionate love in the morningtime with this song playing super loud.

4. Can you imagine making some sweet ass love to A Whole New World by some cartoon character from like Aladdin or whatever?

5. The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
This song sends a really odd message to your lover. You are telling your lover that you masterbate.

6. Guns N' Roses - November Rain
November Rain has like that trashy trailerpark love making session sound down pat. The band sounds super dark and magical and whimsical, with the strings and the weird little pan flutes or whatever. And Axl sounds like a mutant cross between a lovesick pterodactyl and a ballsack. A giant green ballsack with wings and a beak strutting magically and whimsically across the stage and wagging his red wig like a maniac.

When I bring a young lady home for an evening of love making, I start with a couple glasses of something nice... nothing cheap, because I have class, but nothing too expensive to show her I'm unpretentious. And also because I'm broke. I offer a Snuggie for to make comfy. Then I offer a nice foot rub by the Amish fireplace. This makes it a lot easier to get to the passionate love making. That's about the time I power up the hi-fi (not the wi-fi) and select a platter that fits our mellow mood. It would either be Mandy by Barry Manilow or Wicked Game by Chris Isaak. Then I would offer my mouth for my lover to feast upon. By that time I know what is coming next: a bj. Just kidding, I come home drunk and fall asleep with Dumb And Dumber still playing.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Some Gnew Gnews.

I love Ryan's last post. To those of you who do not get it, it is a reference to last month's Booty Bassment in San Francisco at which we accepted a last minute guest dj by the name of Mr. Dibbs. Initially I was a bit apprehensive to have him play, because every time we let someone else in the Circle of Trust (as Ryan and I refer to it), they inevitably let us down. But then I thought about how cool Dibbs was before and I said FUCK IT. He only wanted $200, so we'll take the risk. Besides, El-P (of Company Flow) was coming to hang out too, and that kinda makes me all excited and shaky.

So, the dude shows up at like midnight with all his equipment and thuggy friends. I was already a bit peeved at that, because we then had to tear down all the equipment and rearrange to accommodate our guest. WHATEVER. So we get all his gear up and running and by then Ryan and I had the crowd in the palm of our little hand. Dibbs comes on and pushes play on his iTunes. A mash up of Don't Stop Believin' and Billy Jean comes on. Shit man. I thought this dude was like some hardcore hip-hop guy or something? He proceeds to unleash mash after mash on the poor poor crowd, all the while scratching his dumb little cd mixer thingy and drinking Mickey's Big Mouths. Needless to say, it sucked.

There were a couple songs here and there that worked, but over all the crowd was bummed and so were Ryan and I. I mean, the guy wasn't even DJing! He had blocks of premixed mash ups that he had arranged and played out of iTunes, and he just did cuts and sound effects over them. It was really embarrassing. I politely informed Dibbs that Ryan and I wanted to play the last half hour and that he should wrap it up. He pointed at the 12 minutes and counting number on the track he was playing and I said, "That's fine." 12 minutes passes, and he is still going. After about three songs I looked at him and kinda gave him the WTF face. He just smiled at me and shrugged like "I dunno? Fuck you guys!" I was getting pissed. He FINALLY finished up after playing an El-P song that absolutely nobody gave a shit about, including El-P, and we attempted some damage control with a bounce set.

The night ends and Dibbs is nowhere to be found. Ryan and I start cleaning up and putting all the equipment away. Dibbs is still not around to clean up his gear. So we have to do it, like I'm his goddamn mommy or something. I was fucking over it. We had to pay this fucking guy $200 for dispersing our dancefloor and allowing us to clean up his shit for him. On top of all that, he didn't even thank us and his friends tagged all over the bar and the taqueria next door. Great job, Dibbs!

Now that I got that off my chest I can tell you about some good news. This coming Saturday Mario and I are doing a lil' ol' Valentine's Day Party at The Casbah with our friends Kill Me Tomorrow and Crocodiles. It's gonna be so super rad and lovely.

I also wanted to tell you that the Booty Bassment San Francisco Two Year Anniversary Party is this month on the 21st. We are doing a booty shake contest again and there's gonna be like a whole bunch of weird people disrespecting themselves and others on stage for cash and prizes. I am making some new t-shirts to give away (to girls) and sell (to guys) too. The flier is still in the works but will be up soon. Cool...

Oh and Ryan sent me an instant message this morning that read, "I boned in a snuggie. I rule."

Unfortunately I don't have any pictures of him boning in his Snuggie.