In the last blog, I made a list of rappers that should have died instead of Pimp C, and I made a picture collage of rappers who should not die. In my folly, I forgot two people who have made considerable contributions to music and to my life. I am sure there are more rappers that I have forgotten about, but fuck it.
The consummate Chuck D (I know, Chuck... I deserve that for forgetting to put you on the "Don't Die List". Sorry.)
Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr. aka The Doggfather, Snoop Dogg.
Big Uncle Snoopy Dogg has been added to the list not only for his sweet, sweet music, but also for his tireless work in every other medium he can get his little doggy paws on.
White people loooove the Snoop-A-Loop.
Here is a syllabus of his useful contributions to society:
-Lexicon
Even Christians say it. Good grief.
-Pornography
Directed by Snoop Scorsese, of course.
-Mainstream Cinema
Probably the best example of his filmic prowess is a toss up between these two:
Hood Of Horror
Soul Plane.
I think I'll go with Soul Plane.
-Dancing
Have we forgotten about C-Walking already?
-Coaching
This dude even has his own youth football league. What the fuck? The goddamned Snoop Youth Football League. I'm not joking.
What a dear.
-Political Activism
I guess that one didn't work out too well, did it?
-Freaking
And now we have this... Snoop's newest single, Sensual Seduction. Our boy has definitely been smoking some pots lately. This video is totally blowing my mind.
If you like the video, you can download the uncensored version of the song by clicking the link below.
If you haven't heard by now, legendary rapper Pimp C of UGK was found dead yesterday morning in his Hollywood hotel room. The cause of death is as yet undetermined. I am writing this blog not only in his memory, but also as a plea to the powers that be that the remaining rappers of value be left alone. I just want to know why. Why, when there are so many shitty excuses for rappers out there.... why another good one? Whoever is in charge of the killing, maybe they would accept my list of expendable "artists":
(in no particular order)
1.Nelly - Your goddamned sing-songy delivery is the bane of my existence. Get a day job.
2.T-Pain - Why, oh why do people like this douche? All I hear is Cher's Believe when this bullshit comes on the radio. And fuck Kanye for putting him on Good Life, too.
3.Eminem - I don't think I need to explain this one, but there has been a pleasant absence lately, which I give him points for.
4.Mims - Mims gets on the list for the stupidest hook ever... "I'm hot cuz I'm fly, you ain't cuz you not." No shit, asshole.
5.Akon - Locked Up and Smack That make me want to gouge my eardrums. "Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo." Kick yourself to the curb like Tae Bo, Akorn, and then kill yourself.
6.Soulja Boy - This child needs some serious speech therapy. He cannot enunciate for shit, and he must not be able to see either with his dumb, misspelled name written on the lenses of his sunglasses.
7.Diddy - ...or whatever the fuck he decides his name is these days. Where did he ever get the idea he should pick up a microphone? Bad look.
8.50 fucking Cent - Easily the most over-rated rapper of all time. And he got some chiclet/Bugs Bunny teeth, too. Get the fuck outta here.
9.Yung Joc - "Bim, bam, I know you want some. She CHEWING on the dick like a piece of Bubble Yum."
10.Jibbs - Chain Hang Low has got to be one of the dumbest songs ever made. Who's idea was that to interpolate the "Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?" song... whatever the name of that song is. God, that shit sucks.
11.Fabolous - He is on the list not only for his atrocious rhyming, but also for the plain stupid way he spells his name. Take it back to the drawing board, dick.
12.Ja Rule - This dude thought that his deep, manly voice was enough to float his whole career on. Wrong again, Ja. And this motherfucker has wings tattooed on his back. What a goddamned goofball.
13.Gorilla Zoe - Just watch the Yung Joc video I added below and see for yourself.
14.Jermaine Dupri - If I have to hear the words "You know what it is..." at the beginning of another song, I might go apeshit. Not to mention all the worthless projects he has littered the airwaves with over the years- Da Brat, Kriss Kross, Jagged Edge, Xscape, and...
15.Bow Wow - One of these days I'm gonna smack the smug out of your dirty little dog mouth, Little Tiny Baby Bow Wow. You can't act, either. Fuck off.
With that being said, I would like to propose a list of rappers who should be spared at the chopping block, if it please the gods. Anyone who appears in the photo collage below cannot die, please.
Now, back to the matter at hand... Pimp C. Here are a couple old, but fresh UGK videos, just so you get a picture of how instrumental they were to southern rap and rap in general.
Peep Pimp's Nirvana shirt in this next one.
Now it's time to say RIP PIMP C and sign out. Dude was a certified OG. Thanks for all you did for music, Pimp.
If you didn't make it to the premiere last month, you missed out. But never fret, my child, because there is always a second chance. The next Shake Appeal is December 8, MMVII at the world renowned Beauty bar in San Diego. Me and Ikah all night.
Though our minds may be clouded by butts, weeds, and riches, we have not forgotten about the children. Therefor, we of The Basstanic Group, will be hosting a Holiday toy drive at our next Booty Bassment in San Francisco. Bring an unwrapped toy and receive admission for a mere three dollars. "But," you say, "admission is always three dollars." You may be right, but that will not stop us from collecting five dollars from any Scrooge McDuck who shows up to The K.O. empty handed. "Well, that isn't a very good discount on admission, considering the amount of money I stand to spend on a toy." Perhaps, but to this person I would say, "Fuck to you."
Last night I djed at The Knockout the second night in a row for the WAR Magazine release party. It was pretty alright, considering I got to play black metal on a loud system. 100 Suns played as well, and they were good, but the other band Impaled sucked a camel's balls with hotsauce. On my walk home, three fat white girls were yelling and pushing each other in the middle of Valencia street. They were the ghettofied sort that began and punctuated every sentence with the word bitch. That was amusing, but not the noteworthy event for the evening.
I got back to Jordan's around 2:30am and hit the couch to get some sleep. Jordan's place is on Valencia between 25th and 26th in The Mission. After about ten minutes of attempted sleep, I heard what sounded like a window being smashed from the street. I got up from the couch to look out the window, where I saw two black men walking down the street all nonchalant, but I continued to watch them. They walked to the end of the block and stopped. One of the men turned around and started back down the block. That's when I grabbed my phone and called the police. He was looking in all the house windows up and down the street. I described the two men to the police dispatcher. The man walked down most of the block and then turned around again. He then stopped at a blue Lexus and reached in the window, evidentally broken. The lights on the car started blinking and so they both walked away from the car to the end of the block. Just as I was telling the dispatcher they were turning right on 25th, a cop car stopped in front of them and froze them in their tracks. I said to the dispatcher, "Oh! The cops just stopped them!." and she told someone, "You have the right suspects." Then she hung up.
It was so exciting; like a video game only better. I totally thwarted their evil intentions! It felt so good to get some retribution for the crime that was commited to my car when I lived here. Some worthless dick broke one of my rear windows in my piece of shit Toyota Corolla and took the rear-view mirror and a fake iced-out platinum chain with a cross that was hanging from my rear-view. What the fuck would they want that shit for? And to top it all off, they wiped a booger on the driver's side window. I was pretty bummed, but last night made it almost ok. I love defeating crime!
Solid Gold! This Thursday 11/8 at The Tower Bar in San Diego Jeremy Jay (K Records) Soul records played by Sir Charles and Mario Orduno 9-2am (Don't be a fool, it starts EARLY) 21+ $5
Last night was The Booty Bassment in San Diego. Around 1:15 am I had just gotten through playing a set of bass, eighties, and Baltimore Club and decided to slow it up. So I play Let It Go by Keisha Cole because we all know that the ladies love it, and I like it too. This dildo comes up to the booth and makes sure that I see him. I am in the middle of picking out my next record and getting it ready to mix, so I'm putting off talking to this guy, mostly because I know he's going to say something stupid. Call it intuition. So after I get set, I address him. He says, "Do you think you could move away from this sound?" I said, "What?" He says it again. I say, "DO I THINK I COULD MOVE AWAY FROM THIS SOUND." "Yeah." So I says to dis fuckin guy, I says, "I am not a jukebox. I play what I want when I want." So he says, incredulously, "Do you want to play this?" I reply, "YES." So this goddamned waste of oxygen stomps off, grabs his girlfriend by the hand and pulls her off the dancefloor to the front door. Good riddance to bad trash.
Last night was weird. All kinds of wack people were there. These old washed up pervs showed up halfway through the night completely shitcanned and started taking pictures of all the girls and trying to breakdance. I immediately rushed out on the floor to put a halt to their shenanigans. There will be no middle aged crackers breaking up the dancefloor with their feeble attempts at emulating "urban culture". Not on my watch. These idiots were crashing into people and slathering the unwilling with sweat in a futile effort at dancefloor acrobatics. At the end of the night I made an announcement, "Just for future reference, there will be no breakdancing allowed at The Booty Bassment." Some people starting booing and staring at me in disbelief. It was great. Ikah got on the microphone and elaborated saying, "Last time I checked, dancing was a couple's activity. Man and woman, woman and woman... It's not something to do AT somebody." Oh, it was rich, I tell you. A bit of character cleansing never hurt anybody, did it?
I live in San Diego. Perhaps you have heard of it? The place with all the fire. I won't cry about it, because I haven't been evacuated from my house, and none of my family or close friends have either. I do feel very badly for all the people who have been effected by this terrible event, but at this time I merely want to recount a couple of observations I have made in the last week.
First off, I have noticed a lot more birds of prey in the air as of late. On my drive to work yesterday, I saw three very large hawks or some such bird hunting along side the 5 freeway. Maybe it can be attributed to the land that was burned. I guess the animals need to go somewhere, but I just never see large birds like that in the beach areas. Speaking of which, I have been seeing flocks of crows all over San Diego, which I never remember there being until this last year. Very odd.
Secondly, the asshole drivers seem to be driving with even more disregard to courtesy and general traffic laws than ever. Is this a result of the fires? Has the smoke damaged the part of their brains which allow quick decision making? I don't know and I don't like it. I really want to know why it is soooooo difficult for people to use the goddamned blinker before changing lanes or making a turn. Does it really take that much energy for these people? Maybe they should eat some Wheaties before they hit the road. V8? Whatever.
With that being said, I would like to let you know that we will be accepting donations for victims of the fire at The Worst Music Ever on 10/25/07 at The Zombie Lounge and at Booty Bassment on 10/27/07 at The Whistle Stop Bar. Non perishable food items, water, clean bedding and clothing, toiletries, baby supplies, toys, etc. as well as money that will go to The American Red Cross. Come out, have a good time, and give freely. Thank you.
First off, I would like to thank Rocky for the lead on Speak, The Hungarian Rapper. After viewing this masterpieceofshit, I stumbled upon a treasure trove of Hungarian artists who's efforts beg attention. Ye come on. Thas righ. Check.
In commemoration of the 2007 Hawaiian Islands Tap Dance Festival, I must tell you all about my favorite new TV show: America's Most Smartest Model. This shit is ridiculous. If you like to ridicule people who seem to have a lower intelligence than you even though you are watching VH1 and not reading Dostoevsky, then this is the show for you.
The plot: they take a group of models who claim to be smart and prove they are not by asking them to participate in several competitions all directed by Ben Stein and some chick who worked at Vogue or whatever, including a spelling bee with words such as emaciated or Tommy Hilfiger. IT IS HILARIOUS. The best part of the show that I saw was during the runway competition, where the models were given a subject they had to elaborate on while doing their walk down the runway. For instance, the model approaches the runway and the lady that worked at Fashion Week or whatever says, "Things that are round." The model then walks the runway (hopefully in style) while naming off things that are round... "Balls, balloons, the nucleus of an atom, etc."
So this guy named Gaston comes up. He's this skinny, typically model-attractive type Argentinian that makes lewd comments to every female he comes in contact with ("You two should rub your boobs together.") He looooves himself (see picture attached). Ben Stein gives him his subject: things that smell bad. After a moment of contemplation, Gaston begins his strut, and he comes out the corner swingin... "Armpit, fart, shoes..." He stops, pivots, makes his way to the other side of the catwalk... "socks, dirt..." He turns and heads back up the runway, turns around for his last look at the audience with a dead pan glare, and says it... "Dirty penis." I fucking lost it at that point. Gaston turns back around and leaves the stage. Just like that. POWER.
I don't give a fuck about any other bitch on that show, Gaston wins because only a genius would come up with an answer like that. But of course, the goddamned a-holes win again and cut him from the show. What did Gaston have to say about the matter? "Dirty penis stink, right? If they don't like my answer, they can suck it." My sentiments exactly. Another added bonus to all this mind blowing entertainment was that all Gaston's lines were subtitled to make up for his sheik Argentinian accent. GREAT SUCCESS, GASTON, GREAT SUCCESS. And now to celebrate Gaston's amazing acumen, I have made my own short list of things that I find olfactorily offensive. Enjoy.
Swamp ass, infected gangrenous leg, rotten tube steak, dead snow leopard, Chinese market, my Great Grandmother's 1974 Toyota Corona (which later became mine), rave, burning marshmallow bag in the bonfire, the bathroom at Peet's Coffee in Hillcrest, the hallway by the bathroom at Peet's Coffee in Hillcrest, homeless, Haight Street hippie, Haight Street crust-punk, Asiago cheese, the cattle ranch located right off the Interstate 5 in Central California (also known as Cowschwitz), free condom from Planned Parenthood, wet cat food, rotting pug tooth, Old Spice, old library book, old person, The Beach Boys.
After an overwhelming outcry by you, our adoring public, we decided to make The Worst Music Ever a monthly occurrence. Yes, you will now be able to hear all Earth's aural atrocities on the 4th Thursday of every month at The world famous Zombie Lounge. You are so stoked right now.
This time, I am on my own. Ryan will be on vacation in Argentina and New York. I'm totally jealous and sad I won't get to hang out with him until November, but I'll survive. Anyway, come dance for me because I'll be djing all night by myself, so I need to see you WORK! SWEAT! And maybe come freak me for a minute. It wouldn't make me mad.
The consummate Chuck D
Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr. aka The Doggfather, Snoop Dogg.
White people loooove the Snoop-A-Loop.
