The following is my response to a letter Lucy wrote me about three years ago that is somewhat amusing. Perhaps you may crack a smile or even chuckle as a result of reading it. Who knows? Maybe even a titter or a giggle. Regardless of how you react, it's purpose is to inspire mirth in the reader, therefor ending in a pleasant day, and in the broader span of things, a more enjoyable life. It is said that laughter can cure illness. Did you know? So, I encourage you to laugh, my friend. Laugh and let the problems from throughout your shitty life just fall away like so many raindrops off a rubber raincoat. Laugh like the world is your bitch. Just laugh and you will see that things don't look so bad after all and .... no, life will still suck after that. Here's the story...
I had a similar situation when I was a kid. I always thought smoking looked really cool and grown-up when I was little. I would always ask my dad for a drag off his ciggie, but he would never let me have one. So, one day my dad was working on his car in the garage. He had the car running, and I noticed all the pretty smoke pouring out of the tailpipe. I thought it would be the same as smoking, so I got down on all fours, wrapped my mouth around the exhaust pipe and started sucking. Needless to say, it didn't last long and I passed out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital on a respirator. My father began beating me about the head and shoulders with a rolled up magazine and yelling, "Only dummies suck a tailpipe! Only dummies suck a tailpipe!" Luckily the security was called in and they dragged him out kicking and screaming profanities, the like of which I have never heard their match. After the bandages came off, I was taken to a foster home in Tanzania where a family of diamond miners raised me. I worked in the mines with them 75 hours a week so that you faggot ass bitches can wear your oh-so precious "bling" or whatever you people call it, all the while being exposed to toxic fumes and deadly x-rays in daily mandatory searches for hidden product. I managed to sneak a fairly sizable stone by bringing my foot down on it and embedding its jagged exterior into the tender sole of my foot. I sold the diamond on the black market for $200, just enough to buy me passage on a fishing boat headed toward the Mediterranean Sea. After weeks of rough sailing, and even rougher sailor sex, we finally arrived in Greece. Athens is beautiful in the spring and the wine is marvelous. I got a job as a dishwasher at a greasy spoon just off the main drag called Aisrologia. The cook was a salty old bag named Baptista. She would yell at me, "Malaka! No washing de hog-skewer goooood!" and then she would dump the dirty dish water all over me. Well, one fateful day I washed the crap out of those hog-skewers. I mean, they were shining! Baptista came back with a gap-toothed smile on from ear to hairy ear. She was so happy with my performance she took me by the nape of my neck and led me to the alley behind the restaurant where the flies congregated. She told me these words which I will never forget, "You es de dummiest of de dummies washeds eberr, boot me fren, you duz de hog-skewess dun goodeh. Now hahv deh cigahlretteh weeth me." I couldn't believe it! My day had finally come after all this time! I lit that smoke with fervor and took a big pull. I don't know what kind of tobacco those fools smoke over there, but I began to cough so violently that I was unable to take a breath. My lungs bled for three days and then I died. Just kidding, Lucy. You are so stupid.
Posted by the goat on Friday, March 25, 2005 at 1:53 AM
No more then 15 minutes had past when I heard Dimitri shout "oh shit!" as he threw down the controller and rushed to the window. An orange glow had suddenly filled up the room as the once happy tree was now blazing with flames at least 12 feet high. Apparently some prankster had to one up me and decided to set the tree on fire in the middle of the gall dang street! Man, was it amazing. We all laughed and cheered as the flames burned higher and higher. I even got a little scared and thought it was going to set the whole apartment on fire. Fortunately I had the oracle to capture it all on digital film and we all survived this year's Christmas miracle!
