I don't even know what to title this one.

Last week I was driving with my friend and we were listening to the Dave, Shelley, and Chainsaw Show on KGB (that's on the FM dial). For those who don't know, it is a long running radio talk show in San Diego. Pretty funny stuff, but questionable politics. Anyway, it made me think of a funny story.

About three years ago, I was working for this car service... you know, I wear a suit, and drive rich folk around so they can get wasted. One of our dispatchers was this girl named Emily who is a producer on the D.S.C. (The Dave, Shelly, and Chainsaw Show), and can be frequently heard on the show. At the time, Shelly from the D.S.C. was using us to get around to parties and shit. So I had to pick Shelly and her husband up from this party at Dave's house. You know, Dave... also from the show. He owns this big place in Poway.

So, I ring the doorbell and they tell me to come in and hang out because they weren't ready to leave yet. They tell me to make myself comfortable and have some food. I am feeling slightly uncomfortable because I am -

A. Overdressed
B. Unfamiliar with these people
and
C. Sober

I see Emily and some other people over by the chocolate fountain, so I join them. I have a couple strawberries dipped in chocolate and Emily begins to tell us that she had recently made a visit to the throat doctor to get her tonsils checked out. They were hurting. The doctor looks at them and says, "You have bruises on your palate. Have you been partaking in some extreme oral sex techniques?" We all started laughing and Shelly turns to me and asks if I was the one bruising Emily's palate. My embarassment reached new levels at that moment. But it gets worse.

Emily says, "Watch this," and picks up a marshmallow and a skewer. She inserts the marshmallow into her mouth and pushes it all the way back into her throat. She fucking deep-throated a marshmallow. Then when she pulled the marshmallow out of her mouth, it was covered in chocolate. It was so disgusting.

I was embarrassed and confused by her antics and wondered if she was trying to hit on me or if she was just in a black out. Even then I couldn't tell she wanted this. What the heck, man.

Anyway, here is a picture of Emily.... she is the one on the left.

Suck muh gol-dang butt, bro.

The following is my response to a letter Lucy wrote me about three years ago that is somewhat amusing. Perhaps you may crack a smile or even chuckle as a result of reading it. Who knows? Maybe even a titter or a giggle. Regardless of how you react, it's purpose is to inspire mirth in the reader, therefor ending in a pleasant day, and in the broader span of things, a more enjoyable life. It is said that laughter can cure illness. Did you know? So, I encourage you to laugh, my friend. Laugh and let the problems from throughout your shitty life just fall away like so many raindrops off a rubber raincoat. Laugh like the world is your bitch. Just laugh and you will see that things don't look so bad after all and .... no, life will still suck after that. Here's the story...

I had a similar situation when I was a kid. I always thought smoking looked really cool and grown-up when I was little. I would always ask my dad for a drag off his ciggie, but he would never let me have one. So, one day my dad was working on his car in the garage. He had the car running, and I noticed all the pretty smoke pouring out of the tailpipe. I thought it would be the same as smoking, so I got down on all fours, wrapped my mouth around the exhaust pipe and started sucking. Needless to say, it didn't last long and I passed out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital on a respirator. My father began beating me about the head and shoulders with a rolled up magazine and yelling, "Only dummies suck a tailpipe! Only dummies suck a tailpipe!" Luckily the security was called in and they dragged him out kicking and screaming profanities, the like of which I have never heard their match. After the bandages came off, I was taken to a foster home in Tanzania where a family of diamond miners raised me. I worked in the mines with them 75 hours a week so that you faggot ass bitches can wear your oh-so precious "bling" or whatever you people call it, all the while being exposed to toxic fumes and deadly x-rays in daily mandatory searches for hidden product. I managed to sneak a fairly sizable stone by bringing my foot down on it and embedding its jagged exterior into the tender sole of my foot. I sold the diamond on the black market for $200, just enough to buy me passage on a fishing boat headed toward the Mediterranean Sea. After weeks of rough sailing, and even rougher sailor sex, we finally arrived in Greece. Athens is beautiful in the spring and the wine is marvelous. I got a job as a dishwasher at a greasy spoon just off the main drag called Aisrologia. The cook was a salty old bag named Baptista. She would yell at me, "Malaka! No washing de hog-skewer goooood!" and then she would dump the dirty dish water all over me. Well, one fateful day I washed the crap out of those hog-skewers. I mean, they were shining! Baptista came back with a gap-toothed smile on from ear to hairy ear. She was so happy with my performance she took me by the nape of my neck and led me to the alley behind the restaurant where the flies congregated. She told me these words which I will never forget, "You es de dummiest of de dummies washeds eberr, boot me fren, you duz de hog-skewess dun goodeh. Now hahv deh cigahlretteh weeth me." I couldn't believe it! My day had finally come after all this time! I lit that smoke with fervor and took a big pull. I don't know what kind of tobacco those fools smoke over there, but I began to cough so violently that I was unable to take a breath. My lungs bled for three days and then I died. Just kidding, Lucy. You are so stupid.

Posted by the goat on Friday, March 25, 2005 at 1:53 AM