Tuesday, December 25, 2007

NYE 2007.

This Saturday in San Francisco, Ryan and I bring the fuckin ruckin. Yes, Auld Lang Syne, 1999 and all that. Read the dang flier and come. I'll be up there this Friday, so let's do this stuff.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Bill Murray is the king.

Hi. It's Christmas Eve today, and last night my roommate and I hosted a Christmas movie marathon at our house with a bunch of friends. It was a lot of good, clean fun. We had dinner and dessert and movies and.... two piñatas. Yes, the traditional Christmas Piñata. It's been passed down for generations.

One of the movies we watched was Scrooged. I totally forgot how amazing Bill Murray was in that movie. It really made me happy it was Christmas, as corny as that may sound. Who cares, right? Anyway, if you have not watched it in a while, you should. Here is the part where good old Frank has his break through and get's unScroogy. Maybe it'll help you get unScroogy too.

If you still feel Scroogy, please follow this link and embrace it-


Thanks and happy Christmas.

P.S. The title of this blog was originally "Bill Murray is the knig.", which was a typo, but a typo of note I suppose.

Friday, December 21, 2007

A very special Christmas gift from me to you.

Click here for your gift.

(Thanks, Wase.)

Little Tiny Baby Pt. 2

Little Bow Wow is quickly becoming the mascot of the Basstanic Blog. This dude is such a little bitch. Check out this video here if you don't believe me. The interviewer asks Mr. Wizzle and Omarion some disrespectful questions that are not that funny, and our lil' pup throws a fit, talking all kinds of shit to dude... but not until he is safely behind his huge body guards. The interviewer did a good job at provoking a response from our friend. Observe:

I love Bow Wow's temper tantrum and braggadocio in this clip. He is such a little bitch. Omarion's cool demeanor is surprising, though.

The reason no one respects you, sir, is because you make rap music for 14 year old girls. You will never be anything more than that. I will never play one of your songs in my set. You may be rich, but you have no class. The bums will always lose, sir!

The Stupidest Christmas Special Ever.

This is the Star Wars Holiday Special which was aired only one time in 1978. "Why," you may ask, "was it only aired once? Star Wars is the coolest." Why? Because it is stupid and annoying. The first episode is almost entirely dialogue between Chewbacca's family. They are yelping and growling incomprehensibly back and forth for like 7 minutes. I dare any one of you to watch all 10 episodes. Actually, I double dog-dare you. Ready.... GO!

Little Tiny Baby.

I knew when I ran into this one she would be the redrum of my pimpin'. Knew she would be the one to make me stop caring about other girls on my jock and gettin' them. She was the one to slow me down hold me down. I roll wit her know go wit it now I'mma grow wit it now I'ma go get her that's how. I got her don't be mad you can't get one hotter. Broke them up when they made lil' momma. I don't care what my niggas say she been there everyday for my drama. Some of the homies hate cause they want her, wish they the ones that's datin' my woman. Go on get a good look cause she fine and I don't mind cause she mine.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Oh no, not again.

Is this guy not the scariest looking imbecile you've seen in a while? And when I say imbecile, I mean a person of the second order in a former classification of mental retardation, above the level of idiocy, having a mental age of seven or eight years and an intelligence quotient of 25 to 50. Why do the American people hate intelligence? Open mindedness? Freedom? Why? Why is some podunk bred halfwit remarking to his cross-eyed wife, "Well, golly gee, Martha! Little Mikey Huckabee is runnin fer prisidint! Hooooooohweeeeee!"

Notice the similarities.

Huckabee. PRESIDENT HUCKABEE. That sounds so bad. I was listening to NPR a week ago, and they interviewed a woman from somewhere in the Midwest about the Presidential race. When asked who she was voting for, she replied, "Mike Hucklebee." His supporters don't even know his goddanged name. All they hear is, "Jesus this and Jesus that. Jesus is the coolest thing in the world and stuff and shit. Oh, goddangit I love me some Jesus." And that's it, the vote is cast.

Just look at his face. Not to be trusted. He is demented and he shouldn't have a driver's license, let alone the Presidency.

No, actually he isn't your homeboy, homeboy.
This picture is wrong on so many levels.

What's that wacky lil' guy doing now?
Playing some Jars Of Clay covers to win the Christian Youth vote?
What a dolt.

How about this for a quote... “Unless Moses comes down with two stone tablets from Brokeback Mountain to tell us something different, we need to keep that understanding of marriage.” He HATES the gays.

Seriously, folks, just take a look at him. Hickabee (sic) cannot end up in office. Please.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

King Diamond says, "No presents for Christmas."

You see, we just hope you have the heart to bring a toy, not that we're giving you any motivation, but perhaps you will take it upon yourself to donate something to us for an unfortunate youngster who needs a G.I. Joe or whatever. Come out this Saturday, bring all your girlfriends, and give up a toy, goddamnit. It's too hot, we don't take requests, the sound sucks, and so do the bartenders, but at least you will be doing something good for someone else. And helping me pay my rent. Thanks a bunch.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Does life imitate art? No, it imitates The Simpsons.

One Mr. Warren G. Whitelightning (why isn't that my name?) of Madison, Wisconsin, is facing charges for a number of offenses that I just had to write about because of the sheer idiocy of the incident. Apparently this dude stole eight sausages from a grocery store and got caught. He then stole a Krispy Kreme delivery truck, got into a high speed chase with the Highway Patrol, rammed one of the cop cars and was then arrested. What a fucking idiot. You can watch this video shot from one of the police cars if you want. It takes a couple minutes to get to the chase. People are weird.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Suck muh gol-dang butt, bro.

The following is my response to a letter Lucy wrote me about three years ago that is somewhat amusing. Perhaps you may crack a smile or even chuckle as a result of reading it. Who knows? Maybe even a titter or a giggle. Regardless of how you react, it's purpose is to inspire mirth in the reader, therefor ending in a pleasant day, and in the broader span of things, a more enjoyable life. It is said that laughter can cure illness. Did you know? So, I encourage you to laugh, my friend. Laugh and let the problems from throughout your shitty life just fall away like so many raindrops off a rubber raincoat. Laugh like the world is your bitch. Just laugh and you will see that things don't look so bad after all and .... no, life will still suck after that. Here's the story...

I had a similar situation when I was a kid. I always thought smoking looked really cool and grown-up when I was little. I would always ask my dad for a drag off his ciggie, but he would never let me have one. So, one day my dad was working on his car in the garage. He had the car running, and I noticed all the pretty smoke pouring out of the tailpipe. I thought it would be the same as smoking, so I got down on all fours, wrapped my mouth around the exhaust pipe and started sucking. Needless to say, it didn't last long and I passed out. When I woke up, I was in the hospital on a respirator. My father began beating me about the head and shoulders with a rolled up magazine and yelling, "Only dummies suck a tailpipe! Only dummies suck a tailpipe!" Luckily the security was called in and they dragged him out kicking and screaming profanities, the like of which I have never heard their match. After the bandages came off, I was taken to a foster home in Tanzania where a family of diamond miners raised me. I worked in the mines with them 75 hours a week so that you faggot ass bitches can wear your oh-so precious "bling" or whatever you people call it, all the while being exposed to toxic fumes and deadly x-rays in daily mandatory searches for hidden product. I managed to sneak a fairly sizable stone by bringing my foot down on it and embedding its jagged exterior into the tender sole of my foot. I sold the diamond on the black market for $200, just enough to buy me passage on a fishing boat headed toward the Mediterranean Sea. After weeks of rough sailing, and even rougher sailor sex, we finally arrived in Greece. Athens is beautiful in the spring and the wine is marvelous. I got a job as a dishwasher at a greasy spoon just off the main drag called Aisrologia. The cook was a salty old bag named Baptista. She would yell at me, "Malaka! No washing de hog-skewer goooood!" and then she would dump the dirty dish water all over me. Well, one fateful day I washed the crap out of those hog-skewers. I mean, they were shining! Baptista came back with a gap-toothed smile on from ear to hairy ear. She was so happy with my performance she took me by the nape of my neck and led me to the alley behind the restaurant where the flies congregated. She told me these words which I will never forget, "You es de dummiest of de dummies washeds eberr, boot me fren, you duz de hog-skewess dun goodeh. Now hahv deh cigahlretteh weeth me." I couldn't believe it! My day had finally come after all this time! I lit that smoke with fervor and took a big pull. I don't know what kind of tobacco those fools smoke over there, but I began to cough so violently that I was unable to take a breath. My lungs bled for three days and then I died. Just kidding, Lucy. You are so stupid.

Posted by the goat on Friday, March 25, 2005 at 1:53 AM

Thursday, December 6, 2007


In the last blog, I made a list of rappers that should have died instead of Pimp C, and I made a picture collage of rappers who should not die. In my folly, I forgot two people who have made considerable contributions to music and to my life. I am sure there are more rappers that I have forgotten about, but fuck it.

The consummate Chuck D
(I know, Chuck... I deserve that for forgetting to put you on the "Don't Die List". Sorry.)

Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr. aka The Doggfather, Snoop Dogg.

Big Uncle Snoopy Dogg has been added to the list not only for his sweet, sweet music, but also for his tireless work in every other medium he can get his little doggy paws on.

White people loooove the Snoop-A-Loop.

Here is a syllabus of his useful contributions to society:


Even Christians say it. Good grief.

Directed by Snoop Scorsese, of course.

-Mainstream Cinema

Probably the best example of his filmic prowess is a toss up between these two:

Hood Of Horror

Soul Plane.

I think I'll go with Soul Plane.


Have we forgotten about C-Walking already?


This dude even has his own youth football league. What the fuck? The goddamned Snoop Youth Football League. I'm not joking.

What a dear.

-Political Activism

I guess that one didn't work out too well, did it?


And now we have this... Snoop's newest single, Sensual Seduction. Our boy has definitely been smoking some pots lately. This video is totally blowing my mind.

If you like the video, you can download the uncensored version of the song by clicking the link below.


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

15 Rappers Who Should Have Been Killed Instead Of Pimp C.

If you haven't heard by now, legendary rapper Pimp C of UGK was found dead yesterday morning in his Hollywood hotel room. The cause of death is as yet undetermined. I am writing this blog not only in his memory, but also as a plea to the powers that be that the remaining rappers of value be left alone. I just want to know why. Why, when there are so many shitty excuses for rappers out there.... why another good one? Whoever is in charge of the killing, maybe they would accept my list of expendable "artists":

(in no particular order)

1.Nelly - Your goddamned sing-songy delivery is the bane of my existence. Get a day job.

2.T-Pain - Why, oh why do people like this douche? All I hear is Cher's Believe when this bullshit comes on the radio. And fuck Kanye for putting him on Good Life, too.

3.Eminem - I don't think I need to explain this one, but there has been a pleasant absence lately, which I give him points for.

4.Mims - Mims gets on the list for the stupidest hook ever... "I'm hot cuz I'm fly, you ain't cuz you not." No shit, asshole.

5.Akon - Locked Up and Smack That make me want to gouge my eardrums. "Maybe go to my place and just kick it like Tae Bo." Kick yourself to the curb like Tae Bo, Akorn, and then kill yourself.

6.Soulja Boy - This child needs some serious speech therapy. He cannot enunciate for shit, and he must not be able to see either with his dumb, misspelled name written on the lenses of his sunglasses.

7.Diddy - ...or whatever the fuck he decides his name is these days. Where did he ever get the idea he should pick up a microphone? Bad look.

8.50 fucking Cent - Easily the most over-rated rapper of all time. And he got some chiclet/Bugs Bunny teeth, too. Get the fuck outta here.

9.Yung Joc - "Bim, bam, I know you want some. She CHEWING on the dick like a piece of Bubble Yum."

10.Jibbs - Chain Hang Low has got to be one of the dumbest songs ever made. Who's idea was that to interpolate the "Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro?" song... whatever the name of that song is. God, that shit sucks.

11.Fabolous - He is on the list not only for his atrocious rhyming, but also for the plain stupid way he spells his name. Take it back to the drawing board, dick.

12.Ja Rule - This dude thought that his deep, manly voice was enough to float his whole career on. Wrong again, Ja. And this motherfucker has wings tattooed on his back. What a goddamned goofball.

13.Gorilla Zoe - Just watch the Yung Joc video I added below and see for yourself.

14.Jermaine Dupri - If I have to hear the words "You know what it is..." at the beginning of another song, I might go apeshit. Not to mention all the worthless projects he has littered the airwaves with over the years- Da Brat, Kriss Kross, Jagged Edge, Xscape, and...

15.Bow Wow - One of these days I'm gonna smack the smug out of your dirty little dog mouth, Little Tiny Baby Bow Wow. You can't act, either. Fuck off.

With that being said, I would like to propose a list of rappers who should be spared at the chopping block, if it please the gods. Anyone who appears in the photo collage below cannot die, please.

Now, back to the matter at hand... Pimp C. Here are a couple old, but fresh UGK videos, just so you get a picture of how instrumental they were to southern rap and rap in general.

Peep Pimp's Nirvana shirt in this next one.

Now it's time to say RIP PIMP C and sign out. Dude was a certified OG. Thanks for all you did for music, Pimp.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

The New Event By The Booty Bassment

If you didn't make it to the premiere last month, you missed out. But never fret, my child, because there is always a second chance. The next Shake Appeal is December 8, MMVII at the world renowned Beauty bar in San Diego. Me and Ikah all night.

Booty Bassment Toy Drive.

Though our minds may be clouded by butts, weeds, and riches, we have not forgotten about the children. Therefor, we of The Basstanic Group, will be hosting a Holiday toy drive at our next Booty Bassment in San Francisco. Bring an unwrapped toy and receive admission for a mere three dollars. "But," you say, "admission is always three dollars." You may be right, but that will not stop us from collecting five dollars from any Scrooge McDuck who shows up to The K.O. empty handed. "Well, that isn't a very good discount on admission, considering the amount of money I stand to spend on a toy." Perhaps, but to this person I would say, "Fuck to you."