Friday, February 13, 2009

Some Tips For Those Who Have No Game

I did an interview yesterday with Valentine's Day right around the corner, about SLOW JAMZ. They wanted to know what made the ladies horny or something. So here is my story I sent to them:

Here's a little list of some Ultimate Slow Jamz (with only one Z, because you know we ain't sleepin') for that ass.

In no particular order-

1. Boyz II Men - I'll Make Love To You
This one really speaks to my soul. And my crotch. When those synth horns come in at the beginning, drawers drop. I like the unselfish message of the lyrics too, "I'll make love to you, when you want me to, and I will not let go till you tell me to." A nice bunch of lads they are.

2. Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over
This song just makes me feel real sensual or sensious or something. I like that organ lead in the middle of the song too. It reminds me of A Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harum, which is a good thing.

3. Deep Blue Something - Breakfast At Tiffany's
Totally not a slow jam, but it makes me laugh so bad to imagine myself making passionate love in the morningtime with this song playing super loud.

4. Can you imagine making some sweet ass love to A Whole New World by some cartoon character from like Aladdin or whatever?

5. The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
This song sends a really odd message to your lover. You are telling your lover that you masterbate.

6. Guns N' Roses - November Rain
November Rain has like that trashy trailerpark love making session sound down pat. The band sounds super dark and magical and whimsical, with the strings and the weird little pan flutes or whatever. And Axl sounds like a mutant cross between a lovesick pterodactyl and a ballsack. A giant green ballsack with wings and a beak strutting magically and whimsically across the stage and wagging his red wig like a maniac.

When I bring a young lady home for an evening of love making, I start with a couple glasses of something nice... nothing cheap, because I have class, but nothing too expensive to show her I'm unpretentious. And also because I'm broke. I offer a Snuggie for to make comfy. Then I offer a nice foot rub by the Amish fireplace. This makes it a lot easier to get to the passionate love making. That's about the time I power up the hi-fi (not the wi-fi) and select a platter that fits our mellow mood. It would either be Mandy by Barry Manilow or Wicked Game by Chris Isaak. Then I would offer my mouth for my lover to feast upon. By that time I know what is coming next: a bj. Just kidding, I come home drunk and fall asleep with Dumb And Dumber still playing.

No comments: