Gaston Willig and his amazing brain.

In commemoration of the 2007 Hawaiian Islands Tap Dance Festival, I must tell you all about my favorite new TV show: America's Most Smartest Model. This shit is ridiculous. If you like to ridicule people who seem to have a lower intelligence than you even though you are watching VH1 and not reading Dostoevsky, then this is the show for you.

The plot: they take a group of models who claim to be smart and prove they are not by asking them to participate in several competitions all directed by Ben Stein and some chick who worked at Vogue or whatever, including a spelling bee with words such as emaciated or Tommy Hilfiger. IT IS HILARIOUS. The best part of the show that I saw was during the runway competition, where the models were given a subject they had to elaborate on while doing their walk down the runway. For instance, the model approaches the runway and the lady that worked at Fashion Week or whatever says, "Things that are round." The model then walks the runway (hopefully in style) while naming off things that are round... "Balls, balloons, the nucleus of an atom, etc."

So this guy named Gaston comes up. He's this skinny, typically model-attractive type Argentinian that makes lewd comments to every female he comes in contact with ("You two should rub your boobs together.") He looooves himself (see picture attached). Ben Stein gives him his subject: things that smell bad. After a moment of contemplation, Gaston begins his strut, and he comes out the corner swingin... "Armpit, fart, shoes..." He stops, pivots, makes his way to the other side of the catwalk... "socks, dirt..." He turns and heads back up the runway, turns around for his last look at the audience with a dead pan glare, and says it... "Dirty penis." I fucking lost it at that point. Gaston turns back around and leaves the stage. Just like that. POWER.

I don't give a fuck about any other bitch on that show, Gaston wins because only a genius would come up with an answer like that. But of course, the goddamned a-holes win again and cut him from the show. What did Gaston have to say about the matter? "Dirty penis stink, right? If they don't like my answer, they can suck it." My sentiments exactly. Another added bonus to all this mind blowing entertainment was that all Gaston's lines were subtitled to make up for his sheik Argentinian accent. GREAT SUCCESS, GASTON, GREAT SUCCESS. And now to celebrate Gaston's amazing acumen, I have made my own short list of things that I find olfactorily offensive. Enjoy.

Swamp ass, infected gangrenous leg, rotten tube steak, dead snow leopard, Chinese market, my Great Grandmother's 1974 Toyota Corona (which later became mine), rave, burning marshmallow bag in the bonfire, the bathroom at Peet's Coffee in Hillcrest, the hallway by the bathroom at Peet's Coffee in Hillcrest, homeless, Haight Street hippie, Haight Street crust-punk, Asiago cheese, the cattle ranch located right off the Interstate 5 in Central California (also known as Cowschwitz), free condom from Planned Parenthood, wet cat food, rotting pug tooth, Old Spice, old library book, old person, The Beach Boys.

The End.