Sensitive Little Flowers Always Ruin All the Fun

Apparently some of the art I make is offensive to some people. I really, really don't mean to offend anyone. I guess I have a somewhat sick sense of humor, and I don't really think about how it affects people. The fact of the matter is that most of the time I really don't care! Maybe I'm a jerk, but I just feel as if people need to stop being so sensitive about things.

The reason I am going off on this dumb tangent is because I have recently caught some flack over the last flier I made for The Worst Music Ever in San Francisco, which is pictured below-



The first indication that I had "stepped over the line" was John from The Knockout informing me that Myspace had deleted my flier from The KO's myspace page, and that I better make a new one. Then there were a couple snarky comments about the flier left on the Facebook event page, which culminated in a little discussion between my friend Claire and I regarding misogyny and such. Really fun stuff, actually.

SO- I just thought I would try to clear the air on this issue, and explain my standpoint the best I can by posting my responses to her concerns and claims of MISOGYNY and SADISM, in a somewhat paraphrased manner, as I do not have Claire's permission to post her messages here. Here goes...



Today at 4:27pm
If somebody is offended by that I don't give a fuck. The woman who posed for the pictures obviously didn't give a fuck either. Would it be misanthropic of me to put some pictures of an ugly fat man posing like a fool on a flier? No one would care. The fact is that no matter if you are misogynist or not, that the woman is ugly, and the absurdity of her posing for such photographs is what I find amusing. Show me one person who finds those pictures to be attractive and I will give you a handshake and an apology. Other than that, I will repeat myself by saying that I don't give a fuck if people take offense to it. I would also suggest that people not take themselves so seriously. Try smokin' a doob and watching some John Waters.
Sent via Facebook Mobile


And here's my second message (slightly less abrasive this time)...


Today at 6:38pm
Of course you are entitled to your opinion, just as I am entitled to mine. But, I reserve the right to poke fun at whomever I please, including myself. I don't know if you noticed the rest of the flier, but my name is "misspelled" Dummytri Dickheadson and Ryan's is Rayn Poulsmoke. Should I be upset with myself for that self deprecation? Preposterous! Not to mention the blatant disrespect to the Rastafari religion through the use of the colors red, yellow, and green. And on top of it all, a general disregard for good taste and artistic balance with the use of the worst fonts I could possibly find. So I'm a misogynistic, anti religious, self loathing art hater. Is that it? Maybe a sadist on top of it all for even doing this event in the first place. Labels are great, aren't they? Way better than art at least.

ALSO- I am most certainly entitled to judge beauty. Not that this flier has anything to do with this issue, but since you bring it up... Ever hear that saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"? Well, its true. I would take that one step further by stating that absurdity is in the eye of the beholder. I did not use those images on my flier because I hate that woman, or women in general for that manner. I just think she looks funny!

With that being said, of course you may visit us. I just want you to know that I am right and you are wrong ;) just kidding. Sort of. But for real, its all good.
Sent via Facebook Mobile


And just so you all know, our discussion ended positively and without the use of dirty words like FUCKING COCK SNIFFING FAG or UGLY BACKDOOR WHORE. I love you.

Varg Vikernes To Be Released From Prison?

HOLY SHIT

I really can't believe this. Two different friends within the last couple days had written me asking if I had heard that Varg Vikernes, the one man wrecking crew behind the infamous and ground breaking Norwegian black metal band Burzum, was going to be released from prison soon. For those who don't know, he was convicted for the murder of Euronymous, guitarist of the equally notorious band Mayhem in 1993, along with alleged arson of several churches around Norway. This guy Varg is a full fledged nutcase. While being a National Socialist and a Neo Nazi, he also just happened to make some of the most inspired and strangely beautiful music out of the third wave of Norwegian black metal.

Since Vikernes was imprisoned, he has made more than one attempt to escape, one time getting rolled in a stolen car loaded to the gills with automatic weaponry and body armor. In short, this motherfucker is no joke. Needless to say, I was in a state of shock when I read this entry yesterday on burzum.org-

11.03.2009

After 16 years of imprisonment Varg Vikernes will soon be released from the prison.


What??? I cannot believe they are releasing him on parole. He was imprisoned in 1996 and began serving Norway's version of a life sentence, which is equal to the amount of time you have been alive. Vikernes was 21 when he was convicted, therefor he was to serve a 21 year sentence, with additional time tacked on later in his term for his failed escape attempts.

I wonder what he's going to do now that he's getting out? He continued making records in prison for a time, but they were super crappy Legend of Zelda sounding synthscapes and shit. What if he starts up where Filosofem left off? Holy shit, that would be amazing!

I suppose I should post some Burzum music for those of you who don't know it. So, here is the Burzum anthology, released last year. Sort of a beginners guide to the band.

BURZUM - ANTHOLOGY

BBSF 03-21-09

Negative Plane - California Tour dates.

One of my favorite contemporary black metal bands is coming to California for two shows- San Francisco @ Thee (which brings up an issue I will address later) Parkside on April 10, and Los Angeles @ The Black Castle (misspelled on the flier) on April 11. If you like this kind of thing, then I suggest you go! it is not often that a real band like this tours. I have uploaded their album, Et In Saecula Saeculorum, for your listening pleasure. Follow the link, homes.

NEGATIVE PLANE - ET IN SAECULA SAECULORUM

Oh, and I just wanted to bring up one point... a matter of free floating hatred and an English lesson... Why do people insist on using the ancient THEE spelling to provoke the hard pronunciation of the E at the end of the word THE? It's so stupid! Thee is a totally different word, a form of THOU which means YOU, not THE. Please tell your friends to stop this idiotic madness.

The Best Flier I Ever Made.

Despondex

FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful

New Dick Product For Your Dick

"De firs resuls were bery uh.... dramateecal..."

Booty Bassment SF Second Anniversary

Next weekend Ryan and I are hosting the Second Anniversary of Booty Bassment in San Francisco. The flier says it all... but like I said before, I am going to try to get some t-shirts printed before then too.

That's all. Well, I guess I'll post a video for a song that I cannot get out of my head lately. Remember Nick Lowe? So good. Cruel To Be Kind is infectious. Rad video too!



And happy Friday the 13th!!!

Some Tips For Those Who Have No Game

I did an interview yesterday with Valentine's Day right around the corner, about SLOW JAMZ. They wanted to know what made the ladies horny or something. So here is my story I sent to them:

Here's a little list of some Ultimate Slow Jamz (with only one Z, because you know we ain't sleepin') for that ass.

In no particular order-

1. Boyz II Men - I'll Make Love To You
This one really speaks to my soul. And my crotch. When those synth horns come in at the beginning, drawers drop. I like the unselfish message of the lyrics too, "I'll make love to you, when you want me to, and I will not let go till you tell me to." A nice bunch of lads they are.

2. Crowded House - Don't Dream It's Over
This song just makes me feel real sensual or sensious or something. I like that organ lead in the middle of the song too. It reminds me of A Whiter Shade of Pale by Procol Harum, which is a good thing.

3. Deep Blue Something - Breakfast At Tiffany's
Totally not a slow jam, but it makes me laugh so bad to imagine myself making passionate love in the morningtime with this song playing super loud.

4. Can you imagine making some sweet ass love to A Whole New World by some cartoon character from like Aladdin or whatever?

5. The Divinyls - I Touch Myself
This song sends a really odd message to your lover. You are telling your lover that you masterbate.

6. Guns N' Roses - November Rain
November Rain has like that trashy trailerpark love making session sound down pat. The band sounds super dark and magical and whimsical, with the strings and the weird little pan flutes or whatever. And Axl sounds like a mutant cross between a lovesick pterodactyl and a ballsack. A giant green ballsack with wings and a beak strutting magically and whimsically across the stage and wagging his red wig like a maniac.

When I bring a young lady home for an evening of love making, I start with a couple glasses of something nice... nothing cheap, because I have class, but nothing too expensive to show her I'm unpretentious. And also because I'm broke. I offer a Snuggie for to make comfy. Then I offer a nice foot rub by the Amish fireplace. This makes it a lot easier to get to the passionate love making. That's about the time I power up the hi-fi (not the wi-fi) and select a platter that fits our mellow mood. It would either be Mandy by Barry Manilow or Wicked Game by Chris Isaak. Then I would offer my mouth for my lover to feast upon. By that time I know what is coming next: a bj. Just kidding, I come home drunk and fall asleep with Dumb And Dumber still playing.

Some Gnew Gnews.

I love Ryan's last post. To those of you who do not get it, it is a reference to last month's Booty Bassment in San Francisco at which we accepted a last minute guest dj by the name of Mr. Dibbs. Initially I was a bit apprehensive to have him play, because every time we let someone else in the Circle of Trust (as Ryan and I refer to it), they inevitably let us down. But then I thought about how cool Dibbs was before and I said FUCK IT. He only wanted $200, so we'll take the risk. Besides, El-P (of Company Flow) was coming to hang out too, and that kinda makes me all excited and shaky.

So, the dude shows up at like midnight with all his equipment and thuggy friends. I was already a bit peeved at that, because we then had to tear down all the equipment and rearrange to accommodate our guest. WHATEVER. So we get all his gear up and running and by then Ryan and I had the crowd in the palm of our little hand. Dibbs comes on and pushes play on his iTunes. A mash up of Don't Stop Believin' and Billy Jean comes on. Shit man. I thought this dude was like some hardcore hip-hop guy or something? He proceeds to unleash mash after mash on the poor poor crowd, all the while scratching his dumb little cd mixer thingy and drinking Mickey's Big Mouths. Needless to say, it sucked.

There were a couple songs here and there that worked, but over all the crowd was bummed and so were Ryan and I. I mean, the guy wasn't even DJing! He had blocks of premixed mash ups that he had arranged and played out of iTunes, and he just did cuts and sound effects over them. It was really embarrassing. I politely informed Dibbs that Ryan and I wanted to play the last half hour and that he should wrap it up. He pointed at the 12 minutes and counting number on the track he was playing and I said, "That's fine." 12 minutes passes, and he is still going. After about three songs I looked at him and kinda gave him the WTF face. He just smiled at me and shrugged like "I dunno? Fuck you guys!" I was getting pissed. He FINALLY finished up after playing an El-P song that absolutely nobody gave a shit about, including El-P, and we attempted some damage control with a bounce set.

The night ends and Dibbs is nowhere to be found. Ryan and I start cleaning up and putting all the equipment away. Dibbs is still not around to clean up his gear. So we have to do it, like I'm his goddamn mommy or something. I was fucking over it. We had to pay this fucking guy $200 for dispersing our dancefloor and allowing us to clean up his shit for him. On top of all that, he didn't even thank us and his friends tagged all over the bar and the taqueria next door. Great job, Dibbs!

Now that I got that off my chest I can tell you about some good news. This coming Saturday Mario and I are doing a lil' ol' Valentine's Day Party at The Casbah with our friends Kill Me Tomorrow and Crocodiles. It's gonna be so super rad and lovely.




I also wanted to tell you that the Booty Bassment San Francisco Two Year Anniversary Party is this month on the 21st. We are doing a booty shake contest again and there's gonna be like a whole bunch of weird people disrespecting themselves and others on stage for cash and prizes. I am making some new t-shirts to give away (to girls) and sell (to guys) too. The flier is still in the works but will be up soon. Cool...

Oh and Ryan sent me an instant message this morning that read, "I boned in a snuggie. I rule."




Unfortunately I don't have any pictures of him boning in his Snuggie.

"Can I tell you a secret? I don't like mash-ups"

+




DOES NOT = PARTY TIME!

Much love to our favorite Bassment dancers and dirty rap lovers!

Booty Bassment Oakland

Dear, reader

I am pleased to announce that our favorite little rap music night club event, Booty Bassment, has taken another baby step toward worldwide domination: Oaktown. The nitty gritty city across the Bay is perfect for us, I think. This Thursday at The Oasis, we unleash a sonic butt-smack on you fools. Toph One and Rich Dama man the wheels of steel in the front room, and me and Ryan on the old 1s & 2s in the main room. I'm really liking the way those other doggs spinnerate their 12 inchers, too. The night is hosted by Seeeya Later, so it is a guaranteed banger. And for those of you in San Francisco, never fear! We proceed with the same night, same club... Saturday Jan. 17 at The Knockout!

Crapple.

..
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

I've come out of retirement for something major.

I haven't written on this goddang blog for a while. You may or may not have noticed. But I have something important to tell you about, or else I would not waste your time. Believe me, that's the last thing I would do. I actually feel a bit rusty right now. Anyway, here's the reason why you're reading this: The Snuggie.


The price on the video is different than current promotion they are running. You can actually own your own Snuggie for a mere $19.95 plus $7.95 P+H (that means "postage and handling"). You get not only this amazing wearable blanket; you get TWO AMAZING WEARABLE BLANKETS, AND a free book light. The only problem I see with the Snuggie is that it's ugly as shit. It looks like a frickin' friar's robe.




The other thing about it is that you can't get secret handjobs under the covers while you and your friends are watching movies in the livingroom. That's a negative. No trapdoor-spider techniques with the Snuggie. That's unfortunate.


My only wish is that I would have seen the Snuggie commercial before Christmas so I could have asked Santa for one. Kinda disappointing. Now I have to buy it myself. Well, the thing is is that I wanted to wear it when I dj at The Worst Music Ever. It just looks so comfy. I always think to myself before I leave the house to dj, "Should I bring the blanket tonight?" But I never do because it's real hard to dj with a blanket on without having arm holes. I've done it before. It was hard. I just want to be real real comfy and warm when I play.